Monday, October 05, 2009

9:51 PM

Thank goodness for this blog which no one visits anymore. I need a place to rant badly without irritating other people who are all so busy with their own lives right now. I have experienced for myself how some friends really grew up alot in the space of one or two months after starting work, but for myself, I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle, traipsing the space between working adult and student/bummer.

Nothing really happens at work for me to learn from anymore; my learning curve had long since ended with my internship. I am not saying anything against the company, but simply that I am well past the time when I feel that I am able to grow through my experience with them. This therefore results in this disgustingly irritating period of self-pity and overreactions (simply because I have to exercise off my frustrations somewhere, and thus ends up in my thinking too much).

Its not like I have stopped searching for jobs, but you can only be enthusiastic up to a certain point, when things start to merge into one and you lose the drive to continue with your search. That is the stage I am at now. Yes I was shortlisted for something, but that still seems so far away and unreachable that I have not even started preparing for it. I just want to relax every evening when I come home from work and I don't want to spend weekends on anything but leisure. Yes, part of it is sloth, but I do realize that it might not be a good idea to work fulltime and apply for other jobs at the same time. But I'm not sure if I am worn out due to my current situation, or if I am simply such a lazy person that I cannot stand clocking in normal working hours, 5 days a week.

What makes this even worse is that I can't seem to complain about it to anyone. 1) No one really understands the situation because they are either really working or not working at all; 2) There are a few with much worse situations compared to me that my problems seem to be insignificant and unworthy of complaint when I am with them. Hence me, here, writing. I need some meaning in my life. Or some more significant brain activity that does not involve reiterating boring content over and over or conjuring up flowery phrases to describe mundane things.