10:01 PM
I must seriously learn how to return curveballs back to the thrower. Even if it is someone who works closely with me all the time. I'm so pissed right now I can't even think straight. Delayed reaction, maybe, since this happened in the morning and I'm more worked up right now, but I seriously cannot believe that someone's oversight suddenly became evidence of my incompetence. I won't be appeased till I've vindicated myself.
11:01 PM
After starting work, it seems very easy to lose yourself. Because the routine is so fixed and the hours so long, its just very comfortable to go with the flow from one day to another without thinking - wake up, work, go home, sleep, then wake up again. The difference between school and work life is so vast that you sometimes have to take some time to realise that you have actually stopped all the activities you used to love. All the things that used to define you while you were in school - besides studying - have suddenly disappeared together with your flexible schedule.
It now turns out that you actually have to make time for these activities, because they can no longer take up the core of your time. And that's the part I still cannot reconcile with. The dilemma between holding a job with regular hours means you don't get to enjoy and plan your day as you want. There is always a schedule you have to follow, people you have to meet, issues you have to follow up with - all of these mean that your time is no longer at your own disposal. Unless you are your own boss, that is. Then again you would probably have other issues to worry about.
Up till now I am still holding onto the illusion that flexible working hours or working from home is a much better lifestyle choice than what I am currently experiencing. That is not to discount the fact that I find the work I do fulfilling at times (because some are just mundane, boring tasks which are time-sensitive but not at all important), but I am still very envious of those who get to spend daytime out of the office, even if it means they are still doing work. But whether its just a fallacy of greener grass, I can't tell, not from where I am standing now.
How is it that we all must learn to give and take - freedom to schedule your time for respectable, stable jobs and salaries; the student without a care in the world (exams and papers don't count) for the very real adult worries.
But this is a reality I have to face, at least for now, before I discover any other viable paths that lead me away. Its not that bad a situation, but I do lament, rather much, that loss of innocence and those halycon days.